An Apology Based On a True Story Hello, everyone. My name is Shirley Malfoy (Hi, Shirley!), and I have a problem with the truth. The nice folks here tell me that it is part of the program to apologize to people I’ve hurt. This could take awhile so I’ll get right to it. First and foremost, I want to apologize to “Nick Blingrove.” I made some very serious charges against Nick. I made them in public, I made them repeatedly, I posted them on my website, I enlisted others in the propagation of these charges, and I even made these charges to the heads of national organizations in an attempt to get Nick’s balls crushed in a vice. The problem is that I might have accidentally made it all up. My assault on Nick’s integrity and reputation became necessary when he criticized me for my behavior as the leader of “Smeltway Blatheists.” Yes, I was guilty of exactly what he said, but I was flustered and embarrassed and, rather than admit poor judgment and take responsibility for screwing up, I opted instead to pull a full Hannity and defend my actions at all costs. (Yes, I listen to Rush Limbaugh’s podcast every day. Why do you ask?) And yes, I badly over-reacted and purged Nick and some of his friends and supporters from the group. No, no one had ever been kicked out before for "attendance issues" and yes, I had to trump up the charges to make it look real, and yes, I know he started the group and built it up and entrusted me with the leadership of an already successful organization, and yes I know this appears on its face to be a gigantic betrayal, and world class hissy fit, but he made me do it. (No, I never read Lord of the Flies. What’s it about?) You see, I was angry at someone else – “Seth Glismer” –with whom I had developed a toxic relationship and who had said some very insulting things. Yes, technically they were mostly true and, yes, I did and said some pretty crazy shit too, but as the leader of a meetup I should be immune from any criticism. So even though Nick’s email and Seth’s insults were completely unrelated, I had to accuse Nick and Seth of conspiracy. I really didn’t have a choice. Yes, I know it was a dick move. And no, I was not aware that Nick and Seth had not even spoken for over a year and a half at that time, and yes, I am aware that this fact alone utterly refutes my charges against Nick, but I thought accusing Nick of awful and illegal acts would divert attention away from my own mistakes at Smeltway. Or something like that. Yes, I know it was mean and dumb and totally over the top – right out of Karl Rove’s playbook - but it seemed to make hazy sense at the time. Yes, I know it seems childish and petty. Nick’s email wasn’t even addressed to me and it was about something which I freely admit that I did, but since when do people in positions of authority have to take that kind of crap? Yes, I know some people might find fault with my attempt to vilify and defame a person who is completely innocent of any of the things I accused him of, but I think that some people are a little to liberal with their so-called “freedom of speech.” But by this time it had gone too far to reel back in. What was I supposed to do? Back down, admit the truth, and be done with it before it got out of hand? Yeah, right! That would have made me look ridiculous. Better I just stick to the story. Be that as it may… I also accused Nick of making repeated death threats against me. Yes, I actually said this in an email to the President of “Blamerican Blatheists.” But it was never true. I didn’t count on him asking me for proof. I tried bluster and indignation but he still wanted to see some emails. Unfortunately, I accidentally lost his email address. When some people started asking for proof, I had to ramp up the charges again. My website now hosts a tirade by my loyal droog – “Blistopher Klarntzen” – accusing Nick of gay bashing and homophobic rage. This was especially fun because there is not a word in anything Nick ever said or wrote that could be remotely interpreted as such. The only true part was where Blistopher accidentally admitted that Nick had no part in any such acts - he said it right there in the very same letter. Despite Blistopher’s inadvertent exoneration, we opted to maintain the deceit. I continued to elaborate on the charges, and demanded that members of the local and national blatheist community pick a side – my side. Surprisingly, this seemed to work for awhile. Other than the president of “Blamerican Blatheists,” few with any status in the local athletic community bothered to do their homework or even ask the simple questions. A little faux indignation worked just fine to shut down any hard questions. Yes, I put some extra time on this hoax – I had to because of the total absence of any evidence such as emails or phone calls or witnesses or previous behavior or subsequent behavior or anything else that a reasonable person would expect to use for corroboration. What’s your point? And why is everyone calling it “Shelley’s Shitstorm”? My name is Shirley. (Hi, Shirley!) Stop that! But now I feel like I need to come clean. Actually, it’s a condition for my eventual release, but I really, really mean it. I am told that it is not cool to just make shit up about people. Whatever. They want me to think about the horrible position that it puts someone in to have to publicly deny false accusations. If they say so. They want me to think about the damage that it can inflict on a person’s reputation to falsely cry wolf. Yada yada yada. So, fine! There was never any harassment, never any death threats, and never any gay bashing. There was never anything to back up any these insane and vicious lies. Nothing. Nada. Never. Yes! I was wrong. I made things up and tried to get Nick deported to Guantanamo for waterboarding. I’m sorry if anyone took it the wrong way. So, bite me! Most Sincerely, Organizer, Beltway Atheists |